Have you ever had a moment in your life where you wondered who you really were? Everyone has to have had a moment like this, in high school it was trying to figure out if you were a geek, a jock, a goth, or whatever other clique was out there. Then as you got older you tried to figure out who you were going to be professionally, what job suited you as an individual, which job you would want to spend the rest of your life pursuing. For some of us, that is still something we are searching for :)
In high school I was determined I was going to be a high ranking professional woman, maybe an executive, maybe a CPA. All I knew then was that teachers made it sound like such an easily attainable dream that I knew within a few short years I was going to be wearing my fancy suits to work doing super important paperwork. I worked my way through college at several different jobs. When I finished my degree I worked as an insurance agent for a few years. I started dating Richard and shortly after that we were married. So now I was a married working woman, a wife. This is who I was, a dedicated wife and a hard-working employee.
After a few short months we decided to try for a baby and not too much longer after that decision we were expecting our son. It was about this time that things began to really change. While I was pregnant Richard experienced an accident that tore his patellar tendon which required fairly immediate surgery. I had to leave work earlier than anticipated to take care of him because he could not drive to work or to his appointments, he couldn't get in the car without assistance sometimes, he could barely walk...let's be honest folks, he couldn't even sit on the toilet without help. Suddenly my life was a whirlwind of craziness I had never expected. I was 6 or 7 months pregnant, quit my job, taking care of an injured husband. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. A sense of resentment took over me for awhile, I hated that he was hurt and that it was taking away from my time of enjoying pregnancy, even though it was not his fault. I had to work through this and it took a long time. We made it to January 2009, Richard was healed for the most part, physically, and we were having our son, Ricky. The instant Ricky entered the world we experienced our first parental heartwrenching worry, he had to be taken to the special care unit for inhaling a large amount of meconium. He was there for 2 days (which I know is nothing compared to some children), but seeing our little boy hooked to tubes and wires and lights and sleeping in a little box was crushing, and yet an eye opening experience. Now I was a new mom, a person this little boy would rely on for a larger part of his life, a person that had to nurture him and love him unconditionally...and I was fully prepared and excited for this new part of my life. I was now a mother and a wife.
After several weeks of being a new mom I was experiencing some feelings that the doctor advised me was consistent with post-partum depression. I was on several different depression medications because each one would stop working after two weeks of being on it. I would break down into bouts of horrible crying over nothing. If someone came to visit Ricky and I, I would cry uncontrollably as soon as they left the house. My doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist because my inability to respond well to 4 different depression medications was a red flag for bipolar disorder. After seeing the psychiatrist she confirmed this diagnosis and said that you have this when you are younger, usually late teenage years to early 20's and then it can kind of go "dormant" if you will. Then, when a life altering event occur it can trigger it and cause mood swings of extreme highs and extreme lows and she believes that my becoming a mom contributed to the reoccurence of this disorder. So there I was, a wife, a mom, a bipolar woman.
After a few months of treatment, we decided we wanted to try for another child. Ricky was a year and half, we thought it was the right time. I went off my medication and I got pregnant right away! With no problems in my prior pregnancy we spread the news early. At about six weeks in, I started bleeding. An ultrasound confirmed that there was a baby, but it was growing in my fallopian tube. After several other tests and confirmations at the hospital I was rushed in for emergency surgery as the tube had ruptured causing bleeding into my abdomen. Surgery was completed and I was sent home the same day. I was left confused and devastated. This huge emergency surgery and I was sent home at 11 p.m. on the same day I went in, 12 hours after I went in to the hospital, and I left there with no answers, no explanation, and no baby.
We were given the green light to try again in a month. We got pregnant, and this ended in a miscarriage. Given the green light to try again in 3 months, we got pregnant again, only to lose this one to miscarriage as well. So now here I was, a wife, a mother, a bipolar individual, and a person who experienced ectopic/miscarried pregnancies.
All of this led to such stress, such emotional despair, it put a strain on our marriage and I am sure affected Ricky with our distraction of trying to figure out what was going on. With a possible diagnosis of endometriosis (that we are still working on confirming) we decided for our sanity and my health, we would stop trying and I would go back on my medication. It's been 4 months since this decision and we are just now starting to get back to "normal".
In this four month time period I have been struggling, who am I anymore? I feel worthless, I am a stay at home mom of one child, who stays home with one child? I feel guilty for everything I do, why should I get a new pair of shoes or a cup of coffee at Starbucks when I am not contributing financially to the household. I feel horrible that I am unable, at this time, to have anymore children, to have a sibling for Ricky. I worry he will be lonely or sad. I have a problem with social situations, I have a hard time talking to people, I feel like I am always being judged or that I am not good enough or smart enough. I feel unattractive, lonely, and just plain old depressed. After expressing all of this to my psychiatrist she suggested that it might be advisable for me to talk to someone about these things. Here I was feeling like normal Carla on the outside, but when you open me up, inside is a ball of problems all wound together like a ball of yarn, they all intertwine and connect to each other and seem to never end.
In one session with a psychologist she told me that I can be happy, that I can get past these feelings, that I can feel better. First step, start doing things that make me happy, get away for awhile, don't feel like because I don't have a job that I have to be there every second of everyday to take care of Ricky. I need to be my own person. Richard is very supportive of this and has told me this himself, but I guess hearing it from someone else really hits home. But by now all I could think is....who am I???
I am trying to have a more positive attitude not only for myself but for Richard and Ricky. I want to be a happier wife for Richard and a happier mom for Ricky. I am an individual as well, someone who can have fun and still be that mom and that wife. And even though this is just the beginning for me, I feel like I am taking the right steps, whether they are stumbling in zumba or not, toward true happiness, the true happiness that I know is out there and that I have had before...I can have it again and I will. I am thankful for the loving support of my husband, he has been so understanding, always there to help with Ricky, to tell me to take the time for myself (even though I might not hear him), and telling me he loves me despite the things I am working through. I am thankful for my family who have helped me in my low times. And I am thankful for my friends, new and old, for listening and caring. So who am I? I am a mom, I am a wife and I am a person who might have issues but they can be worked through. I really am the same person I was 5 years ago...I just got lost for a little bit and I am finding my way back. It's all up hill from here, right Richard...I love you :)
carla,
ReplyDeleteyour story is hard to read...no one should have to bear this kind of loss, this kind of weight, especially on top of a depressive disorder. i read your lines with absolute empathy. i have not struggled with pregnancy, and have not been fortunate enough to become a mother yet. what i can say is, i have been battling major depressive disorder and anxiety attacks since the age of eleven. i saw my first shrink in the third grade, when my "outbursts" became too much for teachers to handle. they thought i was autistic....tests disproved this. they thought i had adhd, tests disproved this. they thought i was learning impaired...tests disproved this. what they didn't figure out....until i was 15, was that i was having panic attacks. i have been on medication of some kind for as long as i can remember, and i often struggle with the concept of who i really am....who i would be without it. my life has been ruled by fear, almost entirely. every decision that i make, or refuse to make, is motivated by a fear factor. i have just now, at 30 years old, found a therapist that i believe has reached me.....the me that screams at the outer me. i'm down here trying to take over my own brain....and it's not easy. the trick i'm using is to befriend the fear, i know it so well. i have fought it so hard. the fight left me paralyzing and self-loathing. now i accept it as part of my constitution and allow it to exist....but not rule.
i couldn't be happier for my friend richard to have found such an incredible woman as a life partner. you have profound emotional intelligence, and those of us that "feel" too much carla.....it isn't all bad. we also empathize more, and tend to forfeit ourselves for others. do not sacrifice yourself, embrace yourself.
you and i should spend some time together.....soon. i'd really like to get to know you better. in the meantime, thank you for your courage in sharing your story. please know that even though we aren't incredibly close....i like to think of myself as a very good friend, and i am only a phone call away.....always.
take good care.
love, jenn *)
Carla,
ReplyDeleteIt is now my turn to cry!!! First of all, I am so glad that I can help you whether it is with exercise or humor. We have both been through some serious stuff, and our brains deserve a break from the grieving every now and then. I am kind of honored to hear that I have been making a positive impact on you. Usually, I hear the opposite. lol Second of all, Richard is right. . . you deserve to do things for yourself so you can be happy. Third of all, you can always count on me if you want to do zumba, go for a walk, talk, eat. . . whatever you want!