Another year is coming to a close...Christmas flew by faster than it ever has in my entire life. I cried some that day because my baby is getting bigger, he is growing up and it's happening faster than I want. I wish I could just stare at him all the time so I could make sure not to miss a thing!
"Sometimes you need to hang on to someone else's hope, someone else's peace and sanity while yours is under seige. Do it. Courage, hope, faith, peace...they all come and go. Borrow them from someone else's supply until your own comes back in." --Linda Mundy
I feel like I have overcome a big obstacle, I have moved beyond my depression over the miscarriages, not forgotten, just that I am able to remember them. My best friend Kendra gave me the opportunity to be a part of her last pregnancy/labor and that is what I truly believe helped me to be able to move on and for that I am forever grateful.
Now I can also say I have finally gotten some answers to a lot of my physical ailements. I was recently told that I have uterine prolapse which appears to be the cause of most of my pain/problems for the last 2 1/2 years. I have seen the best doc and he explained to us all of the options that are available to correct this as well as the other things that have been affected by the prolapse. There are temporary fixes for this, one is a surgery and another is called a pessary (I'll spare the details), then there are the other surgical options which aren't recommended for those wanting more children. Either of the temporary fixes will require another surgery eventually. We were thankful for the doctor's information and left the office with a big question that has been quietly lingering in the background of our relationship since March...do we want to try again?
Neither of us wanted to answer for fear it wouldn't be what the other person wanted. We discussed it for awhile and after much thought and much reflection we decided together that we are happy with our family as it is now. This wasn't an easy decision by any means but since then there has been a sense of calm. So now we are focusing on figuring out what surgery will be best for me.
As my friend Jenn recently told me, "count your blessings...it's only human nature to want and overlook what we have." And I really am counting! I am truly blessed in so many ways, more ways than I ever thought before.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Same ole stuff I know...
I am feeling down the past few days. Everyone is having babies around me...EVERYONE. After my last miscarriage I decided I probably didn't want to have another baby, mostly because I didn't want to go through the agony of the "trying" process only to be let down again. I decided to focus on Ricky and try to get myself back. I couldn't really tell anyone that I didn't think I wanted anymore kids because everyone would give me the "oh are you sure?" "maybe you will want to try again in a few months" "don't make that decision now, give it time, you are still young". I didn't want to hear any of that and I still don't. I just don't know what is right for me, I don't know if want another one, I feel like I am expected to have another one, I feel guilty if I make Ricky an only child, I just know I am still sad. Although to add humor to this story I suppose seeing the woman at the park the other day with an infant in a carrier on the front of her and her dragging a screaming/crying child across the parking lot from the park to the car kind of curbed my desire for a short time.
Anyway, I sit here and all I see are "I'm pregnant" or "We had our baby" posts and I try to hide my sadness. Please don't get me wrong...I am happy and excited for every one of my pregnant friends and new moms....I am happy that they are bringing new life into this world. I don't want or expect anyone to hold back from sharing news of this wonderful life event...hearing it actually helps me, if that makes sense. Watching others through their pregnancies puts a smile in my heart and I want to hug and kiss each one of the new cute little babies that come into our lives!
I have this feeling, like a foreshadowed guilt almost, that if we don't try again I will always wonder if that time would have been "the" time. I lay in bed sometimes thinking about what it would have been like to feel another baby moving inside my tummy, to feel it tumbling around in there while I try to sleep, to touch my firm pregnant belly and know there is a little person in there.
So what's worse, trying again and losing another baby, one that you so desperately wanted, or never trying again and always wondering if it ever would have been.....
Anyway, I sit here and all I see are "I'm pregnant" or "We had our baby" posts and I try to hide my sadness. Please don't get me wrong...I am happy and excited for every one of my pregnant friends and new moms....I am happy that they are bringing new life into this world. I don't want or expect anyone to hold back from sharing news of this wonderful life event...hearing it actually helps me, if that makes sense. Watching others through their pregnancies puts a smile in my heart and I want to hug and kiss each one of the new cute little babies that come into our lives!
I have this feeling, like a foreshadowed guilt almost, that if we don't try again I will always wonder if that time would have been "the" time. I lay in bed sometimes thinking about what it would have been like to feel another baby moving inside my tummy, to feel it tumbling around in there while I try to sleep, to touch my firm pregnant belly and know there is a little person in there.
So what's worse, trying again and losing another baby, one that you so desperately wanted, or never trying again and always wondering if it ever would have been.....
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Moments in time
Has there ever been an event that has caused you to stop and look at moments in your life? Something happens that makes you think of all the memories that are engrained in your head for all time. That happened to me yesterday....
It's like a wave comes over me, I start to remember specific moments in time as if there is a picture book in my mind. I flash back to sitting with my dad in our living room and just hanging out and talking. I can see it so clearly, his cut off jean shorts and flip flops, the smell of the warm, humid summer air blowing through the front window, the tv on in the background, my sisters running around playing loudly, my mom cooking in the kitchen. Memories of my childhood and my home are some of the best I have and I cherish them. My dad's laugh when me, my sisters, and him would pull a prank on my mom and her smile when we did it. The early morning sound of my parents talking in the dining room with quiet, tired voices and the sound of them making coffee while the three of us were still in bed. The sound of the high school marching band and football team practicing across the street. It's like all of this can be lumped into one big wonderful picture that I never want to forget.
First grade, the year I became forever shy. I was talking to a person behind me in class and the teacher stopped and sternly asked me to be quiet or she would make me go into the hall. After that, I barely spoke a word in class....ever. Funny, it's not like it was out of line for her to say something but it affected me so much. But I can see the teacher, and I can see myself in that moment.
Flash forward to high school, I can see the first time I met my best friend Kendra in 9th grade math class. Her oversized plaid flannel shirt, her wariness at meeting me, a new person. I have this mental picture of her and I sitting in Algebra at our desks talking for the first time :)
Then skip ahead to the very moment I realized I was in love with Richard. Out with none other than my best friend Kendra at the bar, she decides to call Richard from my cell phone to see if he wants to come out. I haven't spoken to him in months at this point. He doesn't answer. I can see Kendra and I sitting at the table with our beer feeling so grown up, I can see me answer the phone when Richard calls back and I ask him to come meet us there. It is when he enters the bar that it hit me. It was as if I had never seen him before in my life, as if I knew nothing about him, but I knew everything about him. I can picture him as if it were yesterday.
I have a slideshow in my head, still shots of each moment from the day Ricky entered our lives. Richard's face when I woke him up at 1:00 a.m. to tell him I had a strange feeling in my stomach. :) Richard sitting on the sofa next to my bed with such a concerned, worried look on his face. Him pacing while I pushed. The very moment that Ricky was born, when they took him away from me to the table, it's like a still photo, black and white because it was so dark in the room, I can see my baby still curled in the fetal position being whisked away. Richard looking into my eyes while they were cleaning up our baby, holding my hand and asking me if I was okay. It was all so surreal, the pictures in my head portray calmness, quietness, slow motion, when in reality it happened so fast. But every moment is lumped into one big beautiful collage in my mind.
Of course there are many events that occured between these things that were just as memorable, I just chose to talk about these in particular. It's nice that I have these memories so that when things happen that make me sad or feel alone, I have these to turn to, to show me that I have had a beautiful life, I have people that love me, and there is only more to come. A moment lasts all of a second, but a memory lives on forever.....
It's like a wave comes over me, I start to remember specific moments in time as if there is a picture book in my mind. I flash back to sitting with my dad in our living room and just hanging out and talking. I can see it so clearly, his cut off jean shorts and flip flops, the smell of the warm, humid summer air blowing through the front window, the tv on in the background, my sisters running around playing loudly, my mom cooking in the kitchen. Memories of my childhood and my home are some of the best I have and I cherish them. My dad's laugh when me, my sisters, and him would pull a prank on my mom and her smile when we did it. The early morning sound of my parents talking in the dining room with quiet, tired voices and the sound of them making coffee while the three of us were still in bed. The sound of the high school marching band and football team practicing across the street. It's like all of this can be lumped into one big wonderful picture that I never want to forget.
First grade, the year I became forever shy. I was talking to a person behind me in class and the teacher stopped and sternly asked me to be quiet or she would make me go into the hall. After that, I barely spoke a word in class....ever. Funny, it's not like it was out of line for her to say something but it affected me so much. But I can see the teacher, and I can see myself in that moment.
Flash forward to high school, I can see the first time I met my best friend Kendra in 9th grade math class. Her oversized plaid flannel shirt, her wariness at meeting me, a new person. I have this mental picture of her and I sitting in Algebra at our desks talking for the first time :)
Then skip ahead to the very moment I realized I was in love with Richard. Out with none other than my best friend Kendra at the bar, she decides to call Richard from my cell phone to see if he wants to come out. I haven't spoken to him in months at this point. He doesn't answer. I can see Kendra and I sitting at the table with our beer feeling so grown up, I can see me answer the phone when Richard calls back and I ask him to come meet us there. It is when he enters the bar that it hit me. It was as if I had never seen him before in my life, as if I knew nothing about him, but I knew everything about him. I can picture him as if it were yesterday.
I have a slideshow in my head, still shots of each moment from the day Ricky entered our lives. Richard's face when I woke him up at 1:00 a.m. to tell him I had a strange feeling in my stomach. :) Richard sitting on the sofa next to my bed with such a concerned, worried look on his face. Him pacing while I pushed. The very moment that Ricky was born, when they took him away from me to the table, it's like a still photo, black and white because it was so dark in the room, I can see my baby still curled in the fetal position being whisked away. Richard looking into my eyes while they were cleaning up our baby, holding my hand and asking me if I was okay. It was all so surreal, the pictures in my head portray calmness, quietness, slow motion, when in reality it happened so fast. But every moment is lumped into one big beautiful collage in my mind.
Of course there are many events that occured between these things that were just as memorable, I just chose to talk about these in particular. It's nice that I have these memories so that when things happen that make me sad or feel alone, I have these to turn to, to show me that I have had a beautiful life, I have people that love me, and there is only more to come. A moment lasts all of a second, but a memory lives on forever.....
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Finding Myself...again
Have you ever had a moment in your life where you wondered who you really were? Everyone has to have had a moment like this, in high school it was trying to figure out if you were a geek, a jock, a goth, or whatever other clique was out there. Then as you got older you tried to figure out who you were going to be professionally, what job suited you as an individual, which job you would want to spend the rest of your life pursuing. For some of us, that is still something we are searching for :)
In high school I was determined I was going to be a high ranking professional woman, maybe an executive, maybe a CPA. All I knew then was that teachers made it sound like such an easily attainable dream that I knew within a few short years I was going to be wearing my fancy suits to work doing super important paperwork. I worked my way through college at several different jobs. When I finished my degree I worked as an insurance agent for a few years. I started dating Richard and shortly after that we were married. So now I was a married working woman, a wife. This is who I was, a dedicated wife and a hard-working employee.
After a few short months we decided to try for a baby and not too much longer after that decision we were expecting our son. It was about this time that things began to really change. While I was pregnant Richard experienced an accident that tore his patellar tendon which required fairly immediate surgery. I had to leave work earlier than anticipated to take care of him because he could not drive to work or to his appointments, he couldn't get in the car without assistance sometimes, he could barely walk...let's be honest folks, he couldn't even sit on the toilet without help. Suddenly my life was a whirlwind of craziness I had never expected. I was 6 or 7 months pregnant, quit my job, taking care of an injured husband. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. A sense of resentment took over me for awhile, I hated that he was hurt and that it was taking away from my time of enjoying pregnancy, even though it was not his fault. I had to work through this and it took a long time. We made it to January 2009, Richard was healed for the most part, physically, and we were having our son, Ricky. The instant Ricky entered the world we experienced our first parental heartwrenching worry, he had to be taken to the special care unit for inhaling a large amount of meconium. He was there for 2 days (which I know is nothing compared to some children), but seeing our little boy hooked to tubes and wires and lights and sleeping in a little box was crushing, and yet an eye opening experience. Now I was a new mom, a person this little boy would rely on for a larger part of his life, a person that had to nurture him and love him unconditionally...and I was fully prepared and excited for this new part of my life. I was now a mother and a wife.
After several weeks of being a new mom I was experiencing some feelings that the doctor advised me was consistent with post-partum depression. I was on several different depression medications because each one would stop working after two weeks of being on it. I would break down into bouts of horrible crying over nothing. If someone came to visit Ricky and I, I would cry uncontrollably as soon as they left the house. My doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist because my inability to respond well to 4 different depression medications was a red flag for bipolar disorder. After seeing the psychiatrist she confirmed this diagnosis and said that you have this when you are younger, usually late teenage years to early 20's and then it can kind of go "dormant" if you will. Then, when a life altering event occur it can trigger it and cause mood swings of extreme highs and extreme lows and she believes that my becoming a mom contributed to the reoccurence of this disorder. So there I was, a wife, a mom, a bipolar woman.
After a few months of treatment, we decided we wanted to try for another child. Ricky was a year and half, we thought it was the right time. I went off my medication and I got pregnant right away! With no problems in my prior pregnancy we spread the news early. At about six weeks in, I started bleeding. An ultrasound confirmed that there was a baby, but it was growing in my fallopian tube. After several other tests and confirmations at the hospital I was rushed in for emergency surgery as the tube had ruptured causing bleeding into my abdomen. Surgery was completed and I was sent home the same day. I was left confused and devastated. This huge emergency surgery and I was sent home at 11 p.m. on the same day I went in, 12 hours after I went in to the hospital, and I left there with no answers, no explanation, and no baby.
We were given the green light to try again in a month. We got pregnant, and this ended in a miscarriage. Given the green light to try again in 3 months, we got pregnant again, only to lose this one to miscarriage as well. So now here I was, a wife, a mother, a bipolar individual, and a person who experienced ectopic/miscarried pregnancies.
All of this led to such stress, such emotional despair, it put a strain on our marriage and I am sure affected Ricky with our distraction of trying to figure out what was going on. With a possible diagnosis of endometriosis (that we are still working on confirming) we decided for our sanity and my health, we would stop trying and I would go back on my medication. It's been 4 months since this decision and we are just now starting to get back to "normal".
In this four month time period I have been struggling, who am I anymore? I feel worthless, I am a stay at home mom of one child, who stays home with one child? I feel guilty for everything I do, why should I get a new pair of shoes or a cup of coffee at Starbucks when I am not contributing financially to the household. I feel horrible that I am unable, at this time, to have anymore children, to have a sibling for Ricky. I worry he will be lonely or sad. I have a problem with social situations, I have a hard time talking to people, I feel like I am always being judged or that I am not good enough or smart enough. I feel unattractive, lonely, and just plain old depressed. After expressing all of this to my psychiatrist she suggested that it might be advisable for me to talk to someone about these things. Here I was feeling like normal Carla on the outside, but when you open me up, inside is a ball of problems all wound together like a ball of yarn, they all intertwine and connect to each other and seem to never end.
In one session with a psychologist she told me that I can be happy, that I can get past these feelings, that I can feel better. First step, start doing things that make me happy, get away for awhile, don't feel like because I don't have a job that I have to be there every second of everyday to take care of Ricky. I need to be my own person. Richard is very supportive of this and has told me this himself, but I guess hearing it from someone else really hits home. But by now all I could think is....who am I???
I am trying to have a more positive attitude not only for myself but for Richard and Ricky. I want to be a happier wife for Richard and a happier mom for Ricky. I am an individual as well, someone who can have fun and still be that mom and that wife. And even though this is just the beginning for me, I feel like I am taking the right steps, whether they are stumbling in zumba or not, toward true happiness, the true happiness that I know is out there and that I have had before...I can have it again and I will. I am thankful for the loving support of my husband, he has been so understanding, always there to help with Ricky, to tell me to take the time for myself (even though I might not hear him), and telling me he loves me despite the things I am working through. I am thankful for my family who have helped me in my low times. And I am thankful for my friends, new and old, for listening and caring. So who am I? I am a mom, I am a wife and I am a person who might have issues but they can be worked through. I really am the same person I was 5 years ago...I just got lost for a little bit and I am finding my way back. It's all up hill from here, right Richard...I love you :)
In high school I was determined I was going to be a high ranking professional woman, maybe an executive, maybe a CPA. All I knew then was that teachers made it sound like such an easily attainable dream that I knew within a few short years I was going to be wearing my fancy suits to work doing super important paperwork. I worked my way through college at several different jobs. When I finished my degree I worked as an insurance agent for a few years. I started dating Richard and shortly after that we were married. So now I was a married working woman, a wife. This is who I was, a dedicated wife and a hard-working employee.
After a few short months we decided to try for a baby and not too much longer after that decision we were expecting our son. It was about this time that things began to really change. While I was pregnant Richard experienced an accident that tore his patellar tendon which required fairly immediate surgery. I had to leave work earlier than anticipated to take care of him because he could not drive to work or to his appointments, he couldn't get in the car without assistance sometimes, he could barely walk...let's be honest folks, he couldn't even sit on the toilet without help. Suddenly my life was a whirlwind of craziness I had never expected. I was 6 or 7 months pregnant, quit my job, taking care of an injured husband. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. A sense of resentment took over me for awhile, I hated that he was hurt and that it was taking away from my time of enjoying pregnancy, even though it was not his fault. I had to work through this and it took a long time. We made it to January 2009, Richard was healed for the most part, physically, and we were having our son, Ricky. The instant Ricky entered the world we experienced our first parental heartwrenching worry, he had to be taken to the special care unit for inhaling a large amount of meconium. He was there for 2 days (which I know is nothing compared to some children), but seeing our little boy hooked to tubes and wires and lights and sleeping in a little box was crushing, and yet an eye opening experience. Now I was a new mom, a person this little boy would rely on for a larger part of his life, a person that had to nurture him and love him unconditionally...and I was fully prepared and excited for this new part of my life. I was now a mother and a wife.
After several weeks of being a new mom I was experiencing some feelings that the doctor advised me was consistent with post-partum depression. I was on several different depression medications because each one would stop working after two weeks of being on it. I would break down into bouts of horrible crying over nothing. If someone came to visit Ricky and I, I would cry uncontrollably as soon as they left the house. My doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist because my inability to respond well to 4 different depression medications was a red flag for bipolar disorder. After seeing the psychiatrist she confirmed this diagnosis and said that you have this when you are younger, usually late teenage years to early 20's and then it can kind of go "dormant" if you will. Then, when a life altering event occur it can trigger it and cause mood swings of extreme highs and extreme lows and she believes that my becoming a mom contributed to the reoccurence of this disorder. So there I was, a wife, a mom, a bipolar woman.
After a few months of treatment, we decided we wanted to try for another child. Ricky was a year and half, we thought it was the right time. I went off my medication and I got pregnant right away! With no problems in my prior pregnancy we spread the news early. At about six weeks in, I started bleeding. An ultrasound confirmed that there was a baby, but it was growing in my fallopian tube. After several other tests and confirmations at the hospital I was rushed in for emergency surgery as the tube had ruptured causing bleeding into my abdomen. Surgery was completed and I was sent home the same day. I was left confused and devastated. This huge emergency surgery and I was sent home at 11 p.m. on the same day I went in, 12 hours after I went in to the hospital, and I left there with no answers, no explanation, and no baby.
We were given the green light to try again in a month. We got pregnant, and this ended in a miscarriage. Given the green light to try again in 3 months, we got pregnant again, only to lose this one to miscarriage as well. So now here I was, a wife, a mother, a bipolar individual, and a person who experienced ectopic/miscarried pregnancies.
All of this led to such stress, such emotional despair, it put a strain on our marriage and I am sure affected Ricky with our distraction of trying to figure out what was going on. With a possible diagnosis of endometriosis (that we are still working on confirming) we decided for our sanity and my health, we would stop trying and I would go back on my medication. It's been 4 months since this decision and we are just now starting to get back to "normal".
In this four month time period I have been struggling, who am I anymore? I feel worthless, I am a stay at home mom of one child, who stays home with one child? I feel guilty for everything I do, why should I get a new pair of shoes or a cup of coffee at Starbucks when I am not contributing financially to the household. I feel horrible that I am unable, at this time, to have anymore children, to have a sibling for Ricky. I worry he will be lonely or sad. I have a problem with social situations, I have a hard time talking to people, I feel like I am always being judged or that I am not good enough or smart enough. I feel unattractive, lonely, and just plain old depressed. After expressing all of this to my psychiatrist she suggested that it might be advisable for me to talk to someone about these things. Here I was feeling like normal Carla on the outside, but when you open me up, inside is a ball of problems all wound together like a ball of yarn, they all intertwine and connect to each other and seem to never end.
In one session with a psychologist she told me that I can be happy, that I can get past these feelings, that I can feel better. First step, start doing things that make me happy, get away for awhile, don't feel like because I don't have a job that I have to be there every second of everyday to take care of Ricky. I need to be my own person. Richard is very supportive of this and has told me this himself, but I guess hearing it from someone else really hits home. But by now all I could think is....who am I???
I am trying to have a more positive attitude not only for myself but for Richard and Ricky. I want to be a happier wife for Richard and a happier mom for Ricky. I am an individual as well, someone who can have fun and still be that mom and that wife. And even though this is just the beginning for me, I feel like I am taking the right steps, whether they are stumbling in zumba or not, toward true happiness, the true happiness that I know is out there and that I have had before...I can have it again and I will. I am thankful for the loving support of my husband, he has been so understanding, always there to help with Ricky, to tell me to take the time for myself (even though I might not hear him), and telling me he loves me despite the things I am working through. I am thankful for my family who have helped me in my low times. And I am thankful for my friends, new and old, for listening and caring. So who am I? I am a mom, I am a wife and I am a person who might have issues but they can be worked through. I really am the same person I was 5 years ago...I just got lost for a little bit and I am finding my way back. It's all up hill from here, right Richard...I love you :)
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