Same ole stuff I know...

I am feeling down the past few days.  Everyone is having babies around me...EVERYONE.  After my last miscarriage I decided I probably didn't want to have another baby, mostly because I didn't want to go through the agony of the "trying" process only to be let down again.  I decided to focus on Ricky and try to get myself back.  I couldn't really tell anyone that I didn't think I wanted anymore kids because everyone would give me the "oh are you sure?"  "maybe you will want to try again in a few months"  "don't make that decision now, give it time, you are still young".  I didn't want to hear any of that and I still don't.  I just don't know what is right for me, I don't know if want another one, I feel like I am expected to have another one, I feel guilty if I make Ricky an only child, I just know I am still sad.  Although to add humor to this story I suppose seeing the woman at the park the other day with an infant in a carrier on the front of her and her dragging a screaming/crying child across the parking lot from the park to the car kind of curbed my desire for a short time.

Anyway, I sit here and all I see are "I'm pregnant" or "We had our baby" posts and I try to hide my sadness.  Please don't get me wrong...I am happy and excited for every one of my pregnant friends and new moms....I am happy that they are bringing new life into this world.  I don't want or expect anyone to hold back from sharing news of this wonderful life event...hearing it actually helps me, if that makes sense.  Watching others through their pregnancies puts a smile in my heart and I want to hug and kiss each one of the new cute little babies that come into our lives! 

I have this feeling, like a foreshadowed guilt almost, that if we don't try again I will always wonder if that time would have been "the" time.  I lay in bed sometimes thinking about what it would have been like to feel another baby moving inside my tummy, to feel it tumbling around in there while I try to sleep, to touch my firm pregnant belly and know there is a little person in there.

So what's worse, trying again and losing another baby, one that you so desperately wanted, or never trying again and always wondering if it ever would have been.....